The 3am Series (2017-)
Quotesa collection of all the terrible, awful, unbearable things we say to each other.
John: every conversation i have is like the bechdel test but for robert durst
Nick: i hate when you say things.
John: i love your forehead because it's where they filmed my favorite scene in dune
Nick: hey remember when you waved to my dealer. i don't think i focused enough on that in the moment and i'd like to talk about it now.
John: i would prefer if we didn't. thank you.
Nick: you waved goodbye to a weed dealer dealer. next time i go home i'm going to have to find a new guy.
John: i just wanted him to know his services were appreciated. i was being cordial. just because we're dealing with drugs doesn't mean manners have to go out the window.
Nick: you make my life so hard. do you know that. are you aware.
John: john and nick mulaney!
Nick: like i'd ever take your name
Nick: we're gonna wake up here in the morning and then we're just going to keep waking up here in all the mornings. it feels so good. i can't believe it
John: yeah i'm gonna marry you one day.
Nick: that is an insane thing i just said please don't get freaked out, yikes!
John: you think you can out crazy me? i'd marry you right now. i will wake jim up and have him be a witness and make him get ordained. i'll call rabbi marc if you wanna do it jewish style, i don't give a fuck
John: ah. my rockin twink who helped win me an emmy.
Nick: baby. you're the twink.
John: i won an emmy. you're the twink.
Nick: twinks can win emmys. antoni won one.
John: can you just
Nick: i'm the twink.
John: if you don't marry anyone else by 40 i'll marry you.
Nick: all your reasons for agreeing to marry me are terrible.
John: welcome to married life where you compromise your feelings and your voice doesn't matter.
Nick: nah. our marriage would be good
John: you used to watch me puke into bushes and now you want to marry me.
Nick: i saw the way your last marriage worked out and i still want to marry you!
John: after argentina, pre-cher. embarrassed and in love. we spent twenty-four hours in bed together and i forgot there was an entire world that existed beyond your bedroom door. i had been stuck on the other side of it for so long but that night you invited me into your space and i haven't left since. i didn't know where we were headed or if it would ever be a possibility but i knew you were all i wanted. for a long time i was okay with just the thought of it. i love you, nick. i can't believe the funniest person i have ever seen is also my husband. you make everything better. you make me better. with you, there's less things i don't like. about myself, about the world, about frasier, about everything. i'm so lucky i get to love you. i'm so lucky you love me too.
Nick: i can't believe you wrote that. i can't believe you knew back then. i can't believe you wanted to marry me before i ever knew it was what i wanted. i remember that day, i remember falling asleep on top of you over and over because i thought if i let you move you'd leave. i remember part of me, wait for it, almost regretting cher because all i wanted was to lay in bed touching you more. i was embarrassed and scared and you made me so nervous (not your fault, i just didn't want to fuck anything up) but i had known for a while that i was in love with you and it was almost enough. thank you for... everything, all of it. you've given me more than you could ever know and now i get to make you my husband. i hope that's a fair trade. my life is better with you in it, i'm better with you in my life. best version of anything, yeah? you make me crazy in the good way, you make my heart do insane stuff, you make me feel okay about spending an entire weekend in bed watching frasier. you're the very best thing i have and we're going to get married this morning. john. i love you.
John: so there's this part in gone with the wind when rhett butler portrayed by the wonderful clark gable says to our beautiful protagonist scarlett, "you should be kissed and often, and by someone who knows how." i think it's appropriate. you should be loved and by someone who knows how
Nick: you did not just quote gone with the wind.
Nick: oh we have to stop this right now tell me how bad my coffee breath is or something
John: i love you i don't give a shit let the sunshine known how fucking sweet i think it is when you try to kiss me when you're half asleep
Nick: so you were just arguing with me to argue with me.
John: you so need to marry someone catholic.
Nick: i mean, hi
Nick: i missed you so goddamn bad. you were right there and i missed you and i didn't stop missing you til you kissed me
Nick: i'm so serious. these are my confessions, like usher but minus the herp
i can't find the words just yet, so:
I suppose most of us are lonely in this big world, but we must fall tremendously in love to find it out. The cure is the discovery of our need for company - I mean company in the very special sense we've come to understand since we happened to each other - you and I. The pleasures of human experience are emptied away without that companionship - now that I've known it; without it joy is just an unendurable as sorrow. You are my life - my very life. Never imagine your hope approximates what you are to me. I love you, that's all there is to it.
i don't know what to say yet either. i read this a few days ago:
A few days later Freddie and I were together on the sofa in the lounge watching an old thirties' black-and-white movie. The heroine asked her partner: 'Will we spend the rest of our lives together?' Freddie looked at me and asked the same thing. 'Of course we will,' I answered. 'Don't be silly.'
John: in english it means "i told you meryl was dead"
Nick: FUCK YOU IT'S CHRISTMAS
Nick: i bet when john early makes cacio e pepe for hot guys they just say thank you
John: well they sound boring and like they don't have an opinion on appropriate mug girth and handles.
John: yes i can run my hands through it and in the future when i think about the summer of 2018 i will think about new york city, how that was the summer you grew your hair out, and our dumb apartment. it feels like a joan didion essay and that's very romantic to me
Nick: jesus i'll keep it curly forever if you really like it so much.
John: so do we think this apartment is haunted? i'm trying out dirty talk.
Nick: can you try a little harder.
John: nick, ask me to live with you. i'll say yes
Nick: john please come live with me
Nick: do you want to know the first time i thought it? it was a really dumb, really small moment, we weren't even close to dating yet. it was right before i left for buenos aires and you told me you'd signed up for that fucking argentinian newsletter. you have no idea what that did to me. i wanted to die, you couldn't give me a single break and you didn't even really know you were doing it. i remember thinking "fuck, i'm in love with him" and it didn't even feel like a real feeling yet but i didn't stop thinking about it for a while
John: i can't believe me volunteering to spam my own inbox so i could efficiently stalk you is the moment you realized you were in love with me. why.
John: you know i'm like, in love with you, right
Nick: fuck. for real?